Remember That Trifecta? Good Luck With That.

Well, apparently, there's not gonna be a trifecta in the works after all.



For those of you who missed it, not one, but two different Australian high schoolers asked out Miss Universe 2004 and 2006 respectively, and got "yes," as their answers.



Way to go, and bragging rights forever, right?



Until it leaks on the Internet, and Miss Universe 2004 backs out because of the publicity.



"It's not supposed to be about celebrities," my ass. Miss Hawkins, you are breaking a young man's heart, and spoiling an opportunity few will ever achieve, because you're afraid of reporters?



Well, you must have hated this moment, then. Maybe you're just afraid it'll happen again?

Gee, Welcome To Being Right On Top Of Things, MSM...

Remember I blogged about finding out The Prez is Google's #1 result for the word "failure" a few weeks ago? Yeah.



I love it when the MSM is way behind the times.



Now, honesty compels me to admit that this was old news when I posted it, too; a bit of digging makes me go "Gee, Z, Welcome to 2003, and stuff," because that's when the Google-bombing resulting in this silly situation originally happened.



That just makes it worse. I'm a latecomer, getting the story in 2006, anyway; for the MSM to be behind my already-late-so-there's-no-damn-excuse ass is just pitiful.



Anyway. Just thought you'd like to know.

You're Busted: Minimum Wage Myths.

You have to love it when someone is caught in blatant hypocrisy.



Especially when it's someone who consistently accuses their opponents of the exact behavior they get caught in.



For example: it's damn funny when a Democratic pro-minimum wage increase group pays its canvassers less than the minimum wage.



I mean, come ON, guys! If you seriously expect to convince the public that you're looking out for their interests, rather than merely grandstanding for an election year, then you can NOT be caught doing something like this.



I could go into a huge rant about this, but there's no real point; the story itself is silly enough that it doesn't need my help.

We May Have A Trifecta In The Works...

So, remember my mentioning the Australian kid who got Miss Universe 2004 to be his prom date?



He may have started a trend.



Because a DIFFERENT Australian kid has just gotten Miss Universe 2006 to be HIS prom date.



I can only say one thing about this, as it seems wildly unlikely, and yet it happened:



Pack up, honey, we're moving to Australia. Then, we're going to buy lotto tickets.

Holy Crap, It Worked!!

So, this would be "Luckiest Man In The World, Part 2."



A young man in his senior year in high school, named Daniel Dibley, of Bathurst, Australia, has joined the ranks of Those Who Are Legendâ„¢.



After deciding that the girls in his school didn't exactly "motivate" him for a date for his senior prom, he decided to aim high. After all, who is he to settle for normal mortal women? Hah! not someone like Mr. Dibley.



So, with great creativity and flair, he got out pen and paper, and wrote a letter to Jennifer Hawkins, asking her to be his date to his prom.



Oh, wait. Don't tell me you don't recognize the name?



I meant to say, Miss Universe 2004, Jennifer Hawkins. (link goes to wikipedia SWEET JESUS )



Sorry I forgot that little tidbit.



You can guess from the fact that I'm blogging this that she said yes.



The best part? Mr. Dibley, demonstrating that what women really want is arrogance in a man, regardless of age, money, or physical attractiveness, said in his letter that being his prom date would be an honor...



...for HER.



Mr. Dibley, I salute you. You've restored my faith in the power and majesty of bloated egos worldwide.



Why the hell didn't I think of this?!?



[*Edited to add: Somehow, this completely skipped my mind.*]



Come to Butthead.

The Unkindest Cut Of All

...is when you're married to one of the world's hottest women, you get divorced, and then she goes to the world and says:

Nick didn't pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it.

Yes, that's right, folks, Jessica Simpson, famously hot "celebrity," officially told the world that Nick Lachey has no dick.



She continued by saying:

Nick's small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn't really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though.

On behalf of all other men, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!



Oh, and by the way: for all you non-married types, and I guess the swingers, this means that whoever can convince her to give it a try next will have a walkover showing her he's Better Than What's Gone Before, hmmm?



I just have to say, that's cold, but funny as hell.



Although I will admit, it may just be that she's pissed that Nick said he'd rather spend time with Satan than with her daddy.

My Newest Hero: Hazleton, PA

The town of Hazleton, PA is in battle in court over something I think regular readers of my anger-driven screed will recognize as one of my pet issues: illegal immigration.



[*Edited to add: Bill not only caught my initial error in leaving out the link to the actual article, but also added an article with much more information about events than I had originally bothered with. Go Bill! Here's his link.]



See, Hazleton has passed a local ordinance denying business permits to businesses which hire illegal immigrants, fining landlords who rent to them, and declaring English the official language of the town.



Of course, immigrant groups are screaming: "They're criminalizing us!!" (You're already a criminal, chief; that's why they call it ILLEGAL immigration.) "They're discriminating against people who break the law!" (Well, at least they're just sending you home. Everyone else who breaks the law in this country goes to PRISON.) "They're being mean!" (So, who cares if they're mean to criminals?)



Anyway, they're suing the town of Hazleton to force them to rescind the ordinance. The mayor of Hazleton, Lou Barletta, is certain that the ordinance will stand up in court, and went on to say:

We're not going to be bullied,

adding that the city council is prepared to take the case to the Supreme Court if need be.



Mr. Barletta, you and your city council are among the few, the proud, the politicians of the last 15 years that have done something right. Congratulations!

Best Headline Today, And Then Some.

Just click here.



Trust me, you will laugh.



Of course, _I_ would find this story.

Because When You Try This You'll Know Why I Blogged It...

... Go to Google.



Type in "failure" and hit Enter.



Click on the first result.



ROFL.



Yeah, it's for real. I could go all analytical on it and show how that happened, but it's friggin' funny.



Now, how did I hear about this?



I'll just tell you, why don't I?



Wendy, comedienne extraordinaire, has a daughter, Krista, who is about to go to college, and was working on her financial aid, for which they wanted her to write an essay.



Wendy was talking to me, when she hears a desperate cry for help from the other room. "MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM! Are you done yet? I need help here!"



So, off she went.



An hour or so later, she comes back on, and relates the following:

WENDY: Krista was screaming that this essay would make her a failure 

xenodox: hehe i asked tara if there was anything she wanted to say and she 

shrugged and waved her hands around in the air and said "i don't know? how are you?" 

WENDY: that she'd be defined as FAILUR 

xenodox: LMFAO 

WENDY: E 

WENDY: so i said you will not be a failure 

WENDY: she said yep. I will. 

WENDY: I said no one will ever type Failure in google and get Krista 

xenodox: you can tell her i said "i don't think an essay can make you george bush.

especially since he's a monkey, and you're obviously not a monkey." 

WENDY: so she *being an imp* did the search 

xenodox: lmfao 

WENDY: and said Yep. I'm going to become the President 

xenodox: well, i suppose that 

xenodox: 's 

xenodox: one way to look at it 

I did change Wendy's ID, as she may not want all and sundry pesting her on Messenger, and if you want to pest her, you can go to her 360 page and do it yourself; I won't help.



So, anyway, that's the story: Future College Girl Drama Queen searches for "her future," and finds the President. Funny? Yes. Ominous Foreshadowing? Possibly. You decide.

Now THAT'S What I Call "An Immersive Music Experience."

Does anyone remember the iMac?



You know, that computer from Apple that looked like a half grapefruit with a lampshade on top that came in funny colors and was never upgradeable, ever?



Well, even if you don't, do you remember the ADS for that?



Well, back in the day when that was new, some witty gentleman concocted a parody of their overblown, trippy advertising. He called it the "iBrator." And here it is:




\r\nAnyway, following good ideas seems to be a specialty of the companies that accessorize for the Apple iPod.
\r\n
\r\nI hereby present to you, without further ado, the "OhMiBod" iPod vibrator. The world's first and so far only vibrator that synchronizes its vibration to your music playlist, by hooking it to your iPod. It has what the website quaintly refers to as "acsexories." It runs off two AA batteries, and their website lets you share playlists for use with it over iTunes.
\r\n
\r\nGo get 'em, girls! It's only - wait for it - $69.
\r\n
\r\n

I Just Read A Fucked Up Story...

...Accurately entitled "The Most Disturbing Conversation Ever."



I am going to give a warning or three, and then link it.



First warning: if you are male, you almost certainly should not read this. _I_ thought it was fucking hilarious, but then, I am one sick bastard, as anyone familiar with me should damn well know.



Second warning: If you are a virgin, or under the age of 18, you should DEFINITELY not read this. It's not for the faint of heart, folks. I mean it. Worse than KJ's Butthole Beer. I promise.



Third and final warning: REALLY, IF YOU ARE MALE, DON'T READ THIS. IT WILL VIRTUALLY CERTAINLY FUCK YOU UP.



Women will most likely laugh their asses off.



As I said, I thought it was very, very funny, but then, you may have noticed I have a huge, bloated ego and greater self-confidence than any five people need, and therefore am not in the least disturbed by the events described in the story. Plus, I'm ALREADY AFU, so what's one more bit?



Anyway, without further ado: Tucker Max presents "The Most Disturbing Conversation Ever."

Holy Crap, Dude,

Best Office Prank, Evar!!



That is all.

Dear Entertainment Weekly:

STFU.



No, really.



Shut the fuck up.



Those of you not working for EW and reading this may wonder why: well, I'll tell you.



Because EW has seen fit to tell Vince Vaughn, Will Farrell, and Owen Wilson - by name, although they also refer to "Men of Hollywood" - to quit being funny and grow up.



You know by now I never kid.



Here's a hint, EW: they sell millions and millions of tickets, to movie after movie. Obviously, the fans ENJOY their silliness and refusal to grow up. As long as they continue to sell millions and millions of tickets, Hollywood enjoys that, too.



Since I don't see you selling millions and millions of tickets to anything, and have seen absolutely nothing of yours to compare with Anchorman, as an example, I hereby tell you to cram this up your ass sideways, and then die in a fire.

Just So's You Guys Know...

...There's aliens, and stuff.



No, really.



Art Bell, famous UFO conspiracy theorist and cult radio host, actually got a professional watcher from SETI - Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence - on an interview on his show. Said dude, Dr. Stephen Greer, claims that SETI has been receiving extraterrestrial signals of intelligent origin, they are increasing in frequency, and they are being jammed by an earth-based source, to prevent word getting out.



SETI, of course, denies all of this, and it's likely that they're not lying; Dr. Greer relied almost exclusively on hearsay during the interview (which you can find here.)



But it does make you wonder.



The government would of course cover up any actual contact with extraterrestrial intelligences as a matter of course; people are stupid, and you know as well as I do that there would be panic, and people in L.A. would burn their own houses down.



There's also the tiny fact that the likelihood is that any race we would make first contact with would be hostile. Eggheads love to dispute this point, and so do I, so here goes.

1. In Nature, the drive to expand a species' territory is  directly linked to that species' aggressiveness.
   
   
2. The assumption that a naturally aggressive species cannot survive to advanced technology isn't even consistent with OUR OWN experience, and that's the assumption upon which many scientists base their belief in inherent XT benevolence.
3. Another unsafe assumption that many scientists make is that any civilization with which we could make contact would be ancient or far more advanced than our own. (This point will get expanded upon below.) 
   
   

Here's why I think that last is an unsafe assumption. No-one on Earth right now is looking for signals from a heliograph.



See, technology, assuming it follows the track ours  follows - I'll tell you why I make that assumption in a bit - goes in stages, from less to more advanced. Once a society takes a step to a higher stage of technology, it quits using the older technology.



Once we moved from messengers to telegraphy, we pretty much did away with the Pony Express, didn't we? Then came the telephone, and telegraph operators fell into disuse. Now cell phones are taking an ever-increasing share of the communications "pie" from land lines, and so on.



Now. Picture a vast, ancient alien species, capable of manipulating science in ways of which we can currently only dream. Whatever advanced means of communications over interstellar distances they've devised are irrelevant; do you suppose they're still looking for someone to send them a radio signal? Particularly, a radio signal which carries meaning only so species using atmospheric vibrations - sound - as communication, encoded in modulations of the radio signal's frequency?



Not likely.



This is the same reason I discard any species whose technology follows a different track than our own; if we're using pulses of radio waves to generate sound, and they're using directed microwave radiation to stimulate heat receptors, or infra-red, or ultraviolet - see, there's a huge range of ways to communicate, even only under the science WE know - there's simply very little likelihood that they'd be listening for what we're saying.



SETI is a perfect example of this. SETI scans the galactic "background noise" for - radio waves. Which means that any species we'd come into contact with would be at a relative technological par with us, (maybe 50-100 years' worth of research either way, I mean) and following a similar technological path. This also means that they would be biologically similar organisms, since technology is largely dictated by a species' senses, means of natural communication, and natural tools.



By the same token, any biologically similar species is very likely - note, I did not say certain, because we'll never know until we find 'em - to behave in similar ways, as well. Territorial aggressiveness, xenophobia, and natural hostility are survival traits. Look at any successful species in nature - every one of them has biological means of self-defense, a fight-or-flight instinct, and hostility or fear of any other species. (This excludes symbiotes, which are kinda biologically SPECIAL, and only have exceptions for their symbiotes, responding to all other species in the same way everyone else does.)



In addition to this, the drive to colonize the stars must come from one, and only one, biological source: running out of room. Species which outbreed their niche expand, or die. This means that any extraterrestrials we would be likely to encounter would be young, hungry for life-supporting planets - like ours - biologically and behaviorally similar to ourselves, at a relative technological par, and terrified of us.



Scientists assuming that our first contact would naturally come from an established, older species assume that such a species would still even recognize our signals for attempts at communication; that they would be capable of interstellar travel, and that being an older species is required for interstellar travel.



The simple fact is that we could travel to distant stars ourselves, with the technology currently at our disposal, if we were sufficiently interested in space exploration. We're not; our society is sufficiently fucked up that we're worrying about the ground, rather than the big-ass rocks falling from the sky. But we could if we tried.



We'd just be taking a hell of a risk. I'm not saying that any species we run into out there is automatically assholes - but it does seem more likely than the alternative.



And, as you've heard me say before - we might even be alone, but that does seem like a waste of a whole big universe, doesn't it?